Innocence Lost

innocent child

“I know the solution.  When we have a world of only now with no shadows of yesterdays or clouds of tomorrow, then saying what we can do will work.” ~ Goldie Ivener

I am one in many, many women who live with hidden scars.  Innocence taken away by men who abused their power and trust.  I do not talk about it every day, but I live with it every day.  Every day, standing between my husband and I when we hug, is my uncle. I don’t want him there, but he won’t go away.  I have done my work.  I have gone to years of therapy, alternative therapies, etc…  Still, he is there between my husband and I whenever there is an intimate moment, he arrives and the little girl in me runs for cover.

I thought when he died a couple of months ago that the spell would be broken.  I was so happy that I could close this chapter in my life.  Even in death, he still has a hold on me. Last night, my husband and I were in our “Insight Circle” class and we did a beautiful exercise where we looked into each other’s eyes to feel love and self worth.  My husband’s eyes held so much love for me, I could barely stand to look at him!  I didn’t feel I deserved to be loved so unconditionally.  I didn’t know how to receive such deep love. Then, the little girl in me became very anxious.

She knows that a gaze so intense can only mean trouble and she wanted to cut and run.  The problem is, the little girl in me doesn’t know the difference between a loving, trustworthy intimate moment with my husband from the look of a lustful sick man who takes advantage of children. I spent the rest of the night teary and pissed.  I have never been pissed this way before.  I sat last night and wrote and wrote.  This morning, I wrote some more.

What if we spent all day dedicated to healing our inner child?  What if we walked with our inner child, spending the day with her or him all day and then the next day, we did it again, only this time our inner child can be a different age? We can re-parent ourselves for each age we believe we had a trauma.  Or in Shaman language, a soul loss.  Shamans believe that when we experience abuse, trauma or even face big events in life like death and divorce, that part of our soul may break off because it doesn’t feel safe and doesn’t want to be with us any more.

Shamans also believe in past lives, future lives and parallel lives.  They believe that in “non ordinary time” that time does not exist, so we can be having these lives at the same time! With those ideas in mind, what if I do healing rituals where I talk to my little girl and tell her it is safe now, those things can never happen again, am I really there, in my past, giving my little self support and advise and that is why I am strong and safe now?  Did my younger self come into the future to see what life was going to be like later?  Is that how she was able to rise above it all?

My plan is to have my husband talk to my little self, a different age each night, and tell her that she is safe and he loves her/me and would never do us harm.  Tonight we started with my 4 year old.  Again, tears were streaming down my face as I looked into his loving eyes and he told me how much he loved me.

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