Big Brothers

blades-of-glory underwear shotMy older brother was the craziest kid around.  He tortured me unconditionally, made me the tough girl that I am today.  He would sit on top of me with a spit ball hanging from his mouth.  It would s t r e t c h really long, I’d be screaming…  Then quick!  He would suck it up.  Gross!  Especially when he didn’t suck it up fast enough and it landed on my eye.  Ewe!  “Me eye!   Me eye!  I can’t see!”

Then it would be time for a tickle fest.  Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle… You see where I am going here?  How could I not pee my pants?  Then, to shut me up, I might need a dirty, stinky sock stuffed into my mouth!  Or perhaps a great, aromatic fart 1 inch from my nose!

Ya, he was great.  He was really funny when he was trying to impress my girlfriends.  One time, he had his bathrobe on and my friends were over.  You know that Prince song that says, “I got a lion in my pocket and baby, it’s ready to ROAR?”  Well, that was my brother!  He had on these guy bikini underwear with a lion’s face on the crotch.  He would fling open his robe in front of my friends and say, “ROARRRRR!”  They thought he was funny, but I was horrified.  “MA!!!”  She was of no help.  She was laughing so hard, she had tears all over her face.

Then there was the ceremonious lighting of the farts.  Are you familiar with Blue Darts?  Well, it truly is a great past time to light your farts.  As long as you have farts, you have something fun to do.  Careful!  Be sure to keep your underwear on, even if it is a mankini!  My brother decided it would be way more cool to light his fart without his underwear on.  A very dangerous decision indeed!

He lit that sucker and that’s exactly what happened.  The flame followed the fart cloud and got sucked right into his butt!  He was howling in pain!  That was another time Mother and now sister were of no assistance.   We were busy laughing and crying.  Terrible!  He really was in pain!   Really kids, don’t try this at home!

Besides, don’t you know that when you smell a fart, you really are breathing tiny particles of poo into your nose!  Gross!!

lion roaring

4 thoughts on “Big Brothers

  1. deirdre

    HAHAH Dina that is SOOO FUNNY!!!! I have 2 older sisters that did the SAME thing with spit balls dangling and dirty stinky socks and tickling untill I peed my pants. One would hold my arms down while the other breathed her nasty hot breath all over my face just millimeters away….
    Glad to know we shared the same awesome torture growing up…we have that in common!


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